My Brain on Bondage

I think too much. I don’t remember it always being this way. I also don’t remember a time it wasn’t this way, if that makes any sense, though it probably doesn’t to anyone but me. I don’t sleep well, sometimes due to outside influence, mostly because my brain has no off switch that I can reach.

Much of this too much thinking revolves around worry. I worry about everything. This is not a conscious choice. There has been many a time that I’ve literally sat crying wishing I could just. stop. worrying. I lay awake at night, the thoughts of the day swirling around in my head, replaying conversations, especially those I wish had gone differently, beating myself up for mistakes, willing myself to remember mistakes lest they should be repeated. It’s not a whole lot of fun and is frustrating to say the least.

My spouse will often remark to me, when I am drowning in a sea of thought, “Why can’t you just let it go? Don’t worry about it!” You see, he has the ability to let everything go, regardless of importance or impact on those around him. I often say, in response to his exasperation, that I have to worry extra hard to make up for his lack of worry. Not fair, I know, and in reality, his ability to worry – or not – likely has very little effect on my worry level.

The off switch on my brain is easily activated when I am forced to surrender to submission. Yes, I know that’s on odd phrase “forced to surrender to submission”.  Here’s the thing, that over-thinking brain I have nearly always gets in the way of submitting. I am so very worried I will do “it” wrong, what ever “it” is.

I cannot just “do” a thing, especially a new thing. I need specific details about the how, and the why, of the thing I am to do. I need information to fill in a complete picture, allowing me to visualize the thing. I have enormous difficulty performing tasks that I cannot visualize. “Go get that thingamajig next to the big bag.” I don’t know what the thingamajig looks like and “big” is subjective. Result? No picture. “Go get the blue thingamajig. It’s square with a black handle. It’s next to the brown canvas bag.” Result? An easily visualized, complete picture … and a whole lot of work for the person directing the task. Kinda defeats the purpose, ya know?

I have been accused of procrastinating, on occasion. It’s not procrastinating. I’m trying to build a picture. Without this, I’m blind. Again, this is not something I can turn off. It would make my life significantly easier if it was. When talking about concepts that are new(ish) to me, I will often ask “what does that look like for you?”. I need the imagery to clarify the concept.

Enter bondage. When I am bound, in any degree, the off switch is activated, and my brain goes quiet. It is miraculous. I can be told to “just sit there”. I’ll do as I’m instructed, sure, and it’s not the same. When I am “just sitting there”, I’m still thinking. Thinking about all of things that came before, all of the things that might come next, in a few moments, tomorrow, next week, opportunities for failure, past failures, how not to repeat past failures, thinking about what other people are thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking.

Restrain me, even just wrists or ankles, attach something as simple as a leash, and suddenly, instantly, I do not have to worry about bills or running the household or tending my child or what to make for dinner or if the laundry is done or being pleasing or if everyone is happy or getting it right or any of the other million things that are near constant themes in my thoughts. I can just be, in the moment.

One of my favorite memories is sitting in shackles watching a movie with my Master. Not a big deal for most, I’m sure. It is for me. I can be sitting with my spouse, watching a movie, and have to pause it so he can fill me in on the ten minutes I missed when I took a trip to Worryville. Not fun. Add shackles, and *poof* I’m fully present.

The more severe the bondage, the less I think. There is nothing to visualize. I don’t need to create pictures. I cannot do it wrong. I lose environment. I lose background noise. I lose sense of self. I lose sense of time. I have even, during prolonged sense dep, on more than one occasion, lost sense of gravity, which can be either terrifying or freeing, depending on some unknown variable that I’ve yet to determine.

Bondage: My brain’s power button.

Grouchy pants

I started a thought provoking entry earlier today with the intent of finishing it this evening. I now find myself in a really pissy mood and I can’t shut my brain up enough to write anything meaningful. I will finish that other entry because it is worth exploring … just not tonight.

On an unrelated note, the new hood is mostly finished, save the rolled hem and grommeting. Multiple fittings made for significant wetness. I found it interesting that I wasn’t remotely aware of being aroused until I had cleared my work area for the day. Once the distraction was gone, my state of being became so obvious I don’t know how I missed it.

My grouchy pants and I are making cocoa and (hopefully) going to sleep.

…………………………….
Today I am grateful for: being on the other side of the learning curve
Today’s funny moment: “He didn’t have a pony. If he had a pony I would have given him a ten.”
Sad moment: evolving plans
Protocol: n/a
Water: 4 liters
Corset: 24″ am, 24″ pm
Hood: 1 hour

Progression

I spent relatively few hours with You this weekend compared to Our usual play. How is it then that I feel so differently? About You. About Your mate. About my place with you both. Somehow, also about myself.

My relationship with Your mate feels altered. I no longer feel that I’m walking on egg shells. I feel an affinity with her now. There is an ease when I’m with her that I did not have before. I don’t know where it came from or how or why. It seems as quick as the snap of a finger.

And You … when we did our encasement (what can only be described as a) demo at the party, the connection I felt with You was … unparalleled. We did not really talk today about how You were feeling during Our activity so I don’t know where You were emotionally. More than that, I don’t even know if You had time to feel among all of the comments and chatting from the peanut gallery.

I wonder if You know how safe You made me feel. How special. How cherished. How treasured. The many times You checked in with me, making sure We were on the same page with what You were doing. Making sure I was comfortable. Making sure I was alright emotionally. I am surprised I was not glowing from the light with which You filled me. I still carry it. I still feel it. I am radiant.

I cannot name what has changed within me. Not yet anyway. I only know I feel different. Good different. Better different. Irrevocably different.

……………………………………
Today I am grateful for:
water
Today’s funny moment: playing with the dojo mascot kitten
Training: none – in time-out
Water: 6.5 liters
Corset: not worn – hip bruising from looking hot. Planning on resuming Wednesday if fully healed.

Chatter

Aside from fucking up the hood that I have 9 hours invested in thus far … I had a good day, due in large part to You.

Giraffe Fact: They can run as fast as 35 miles an hour over short distances, or cruise at 10 mph over longer distances.

…………………………….
Today I am grateful for: phone books
Today’s funny moment:
Training: 6 hours on the over night
Water: 4 liters
Corset: 23.5am, 23pm

Figuring It Out … or not

I’m sorry about the tears this afternoon. We have already established that I am extremely visual. When You spoke of this rule regarding limitation of speech, I saw this fully formed picture of existing only for You. Your ownership of me creating a perfect bubble around Us that would only be broken if You allowed it. I understood, in those few seconds that the limitation would involve anyone outside of You and I. Then when You continued to explain, and included Yourself in those whom I would not be speaking to, my visualization changed. I was isolated in the bubble. Completely alone.

I thought Well, that will be challenging but I won’t be alone. I’ll still know He’s there. Then You added eye contact restrictions. Then the hood. I felt more than alone, I felt outcast, someone not worthy of being seen much less included.

After You spoke with me about it, I felt better. Thank you for being patient with me. I still don’t like the idea. I want to consume You. I want to bathe in Your presence. Having restrictions on my interaction with You makes me extremely uncomfortable. It feels like having a ticket to the show but being forced to stand in the lobby and watch it on the CCTV.

BUT (Yes, that is a very big “but”)

When I was rolling this whole thing around my brain this afternoon (and evening), I was simultaneously angry/frustrated/aroused. What the heck is that about? I’m wet now thinking about it. My nipples are hard and I’m salivating?! I don’t say WTF all that often. I think, however, that this is a situation that calls for it and so … W?T?F?

I don’t understand how rules that bother me to this degree can also be such a brobdingnagian turn-on. It doesn’t make any sense to me that those things can exist side-by-side, at that intensity, and be provoked by the same exact thing. I don’t understand myself. Seriously, what is wrong with me?

…………………………….
Today I am grateful for: patience
Today’s funny moment: Japanese commercials
Training: 7 hours
Water: 4 liters
Corset: 23.5am, 23pm