Every once in a while You assign attributes that do not belong to me. Today, I was crabby and out of sorts for no identifiable reason. I said as much to You. You said You thought You were not getting the whole story, that I was keeping something from You.
Please hear me: I do not/will not/cannot withhold anything from You. The last time I willfully kept something from You was when I had my health scare. I thought it was the right thing to do at the time because I didn’t have all of the answers. That was just about a year ago. I am no longer that person. You are my chosen Mate. You are my Master. You are my Best Friend. I tell You absolutely everything. I can no longer imagine it being any other way. Please know that if I know what’s going on with me, even if it’s just a whisper of an idea, I will tell You.
Twice this past weekend You did something for me. Twice You held me when I needed it, without my saying a word. I don’t have words for the impact those two gestures had for me.
– You held me smack dab in the middle of play. I don’t have a complete memory of this. I remember only that I was having an incredibly difficult time of it. You were pushing me, driving me ever harder. You gave pause and allowed me to hold You. I remember clinging to You as one drowning clings to a life ring thrown in the water. I remember my disbelief that it was being allowed. I do not know how long I held onto You. It may have been seconds – It may have been several minutes. I know only that it gave me a second wind, the ability to say the words “I don’t quit” with conviction.
– You checked in with me some minutes after a reprimand. I sat at the table and was having a hell of a time not crying. The pain and general stress of the weekend had caught up with me and was now muddied with the knowledge that I had disappointed You.
When You called me to You, I thought You had remembered something else I had done wrong that needed to be addressed. I thought I would be crying by the time I reached You. Instead, You were gentle. You talked with me. You held me and suddenly I was able to take a full breath again. (I’m swallowing a lump in my throat even now thinking about it.) The correction still hurt but knowing You were not angry and/or disgusted by me helped. It gave me mental space to process what You had said I needed to work on, instead of having my head space jangling with worry about anger.
Thank you for loving me enough to be gentle. I don’t have much of that in my life. I need/crave Your touch. You ground me with it. You keep things in perspective. You quiet my mind. You heal me.
……………………………. Today I am grateful for: The sound of Your voice Today’s funny moment: n/a Sad moment: the inexplicable pall that covered most of my day Protocol: n/a Water: 4 liters Corset: n/a Hood: 1 hour
Today wore me out. I cannot thank you enough for staying with me through the 6 bajillion phone calls.
I have not unpacked anything but day-to-day essentials. Unpacking means the time is really over. I don’t want it to be over.
My new training corset has been ordered in long-line, size 18, leather. I will now have a reason to wear leather every day. The new goal is 20 inches.
I’m going to bed. Hopefully sleep will come easily and be nightmare free.
I like You.
I love You.
You are my friend.
………………………………. Today I am grateful for: companionship Today’s funny moment: Overheard: “I won! I beat you mommy!” .. “Yes, you did Honey and if I ever have this baby, you’ll never beat me again.” Training: none Water: 4.5 liters Corset: Will resume Wednesday if fully healed.
I wanted to sit down and write a happy-happy, joy-joy entry. I don’t have one in me. I’m not bouncing back as quickly as I would like. I’m not sitting around having a pity party. I’m able to be productive – that’s a plus. In the past, I have had periods of drop when all I could do was sit and stare into space. I guess from that perspective I’m doing well … so far anyway.
Tomorrow I’m going to force myself to go to a movie. Sitting around in yoga pants never did anyone any good. I haven’t been resting. I’m tempted to benadryl myself into oblivion tonight. The bizarre dreams I’ve been having have been less than fun. The tiny pink pill calls to me almost as loudly as chips and chocolate (and not just because it’s fuchsia). I will abstain. I want to be here for You if I’m needed. If I self-medicate I don’t stand a chance of being coherent.
I hope Your household is recovering more readily than I am.
……………………………………. Today I am grateful for:shelter Today’s funny moment: kittie getting a bag stuck on her nose Training: 4 hours Water: 4 liters Corset: 25.5″ am, 24.75″ pm