Epiphany

Since the birth of her child she had felt alone. Her husband returned to work as if nothing had happened and largely absented himself from the home when he was not on the clock. When the diagnosis was handed down, her friends fell away and alone was no longer a feeling, but a reality.

Aloneness became a continuous theme. Alone for feedings. Alone for firsts. Alone juggling the budget. Alone managing the house. Alone administering therapies. Alone, alone, alone. While she was capable, while she did not need anyone to help her in these things, support beyond “I trust you. Do whatever you think is best.” would have been welcome.

Her abilities to juggle and manage and problem solve became her husband’s freedom from worry. Freedom from everything. Problem ‘A’ + Wife = No problem. While she appreciated the vote of confidence in the beginning, eventually it became a burden. Because he never worried about anything, she worried about all of her concerns plus his.

As her child grew, the concerns connected to the child gained gravitas. The minor worries of vomiting every time a textured food was introduced, grew into epic level worries that the child would never have the wherewithal to hold a job. The epic worries gave birth to a host of other worries. Still, she was alone. Alone with “Whatever you think is best. I trust your judgement.”

Then she wasn’t. She met a man who changed her life. Such a simple phrase – “changed her life”. Three words with untold dimension and depth. This man, over a relatively short period of time, became irreplaceable. He became the center of her universe. He offered friendship, assistance, advice, genuine concern, support and … she loved him. Love in its purest form. Love with an intensity she would not have believed possible.

This man was a pragmatist. Matter of fact statements about finding someone else if she were “hit by a bus tomorrow” occurred with some frequency. She often raised the bus scenario to see if the answer would change, wanting to believe she meant as much to him and he did to her. The answer never did change, each time reenforcing her belief that she was not good enough, nothing special, disposable. This inserted itself into the litany of her worries. One false move and I’m out the door. She saw this as fait accompli. Not an if, but a when. Eventually, he would be done.

The pressure of this particular worry threatened to crush her on a daily basis. She would wake in the morning and think of him, wondering if today would be the day. Is today the day her world would come crashing down? Is today the day it ends? Once, when the universe called into being enormous levels of stress in her life simultaneously, she woke thinking that something had to give. She could not maintain sanity under such pressure. Of the three arenas in her life, only one could she let go.

This arena also happened to be the one that often brought her the only happiness she experienced on a given day. Being who she was, she decided, again, as she so often had since becoming a mother, that her happiness was not only unimportant, but undesirable. She had seen, time and again, that when she put her needs first, terrible things happened, ingraining the belief that she was not allowed to be happy. For whatever reason, perhaps for something she had done in a past life, karma had decided that in this life, she did not deserve to be happy for any extended length of time.

When she woke under the stress and worry of life’s obstacles, multiple issues weighed her down, making getting out of bed nearly impossible. That same morning, when she had not been speaking to him for very long, several negative thoughts were expressed. OK she thought I’m being selfish sharing my worry and stress with this man. I’m creating problems in his life. I’m draining him. I’m toxic. If we cannot both be happy, then he should be. He deserves joy. It will be harder now that I know what it is to have this but I can return to who I used to be. He deserves everything I cannot give him. He’s told me he can find another. I will leave him to it. She tried to be firm, matter of fact, about it. With raw pain infusing her voice, she stated the reasons she should not be in his life. She hinted around the edges of saying goodbye for quite some time. She couldn’t form the words. Ultimately selfish, she could not say goodbye.

Several days later, he said a thing. He often said things, offhandedly, seemingly unaware of the impact. Again, with his pragmatic way, he spoke in facts, as if they were all equal in weight and value. He told her, more fully, differently than he ever had, exactly, simply, how he felt about her. He said this as plainly and unaffected as if he were stating the color of her eyes. This statement was spoken in conjunction with other thoughts and ideas. Those that came after, she did not hear.

With the gift of his words, color flooded into her world, suddenly, in the impossibly vibrant way witnessed by Dorothy. My god, she thought, holding her breath, I had no idea. Yes, I knew he loved me. I didn’t know he loved me, loved me. I am not replaceable. I am not a place holder. I am not disposable. I am significant, important, meaningful, to this man who is my world. I’m not alone in the depth of my emotion. Maybe, just maybe, I am good enough, worthy, deserving. Maybe, she thought, feeling as though she were tempting the fates of the universe, maybe, I am allowed to be happy.

Fun fact #136

Training makes my horny. I had forgotten. I have felt bad for so long I nearly forgot I had lady bits. I trained today and it was as if my body said “Oh! That’s right! There they are! I remember those. Thanks for reminding me. Now that they’re awake let’s do something. What? What do you mean we can’t? Well … fine then. You do what you want but they’re here and I’m gonna make sure you don’t forget that for a very long time.”

Yup. Sounds about right. Oddly, I don’t mind. I’m just glad I feel well again.

 

All aboard

If my predictions are correct, I’ll be back on board with all of my training tomorrow. As difficult as it can be some days, it surprises me how much I’ve missed it.

I’m trying to prepare myself for the fact that schools may be closed tomorrow due to the extreme temperatures. If that ends up being the case, I may lock myself in my room to train. Fingers crossed that I’ll have the house to myself and can relax they way I will need to after the extended break. I know I won’t be able to pick up where I left off. As long as I’m doing something I’ll find a way to be ok with it.

TMI Tuesday: A Year in Review

new year1. Did you make New Year’s Resolutions last year? Which ones did you keep? Are you better for it?
I don’t believe in New Year’s Resolutions. I don’t need a date to instigate significant change. If I discover something about myself that I need to alter for the sake of improvement, I do so. Will power and self-commitment are what is required, not a date on a calendar.

2. What was your favorite TMI Tuesday list of questions from 2013? Why? (Give date and title)
Food and Drink  – July 9th.
I love talking about food. This one had the added bonus of allowing me to exercise creativity.

3. What sexy/sexual things do you hope to experience in 2014–toys, acts, people, events, etc?
~ I am hoping to exceed any/all previous benchmarks.
~ Extensive impact play session at my local club. I need my community to see me as real. Yes, I recognize that I shouldn’t need the external validation. I do. Sue me.
~ I’m seeking the elusive 24 hour encasement.
~ Also kicking around in my head is surpassing the two hour impact play session. I’m not sure pushing this one is possible or advisable. Still, I would very much like to try.
~ I need gags to be just another part of play instead of an issue to be overcome. I made great strides in 2013. In 2014 I would like to put this to bed.

4. This time of year is filled with “Top Lists” and “Best of Lists”. Let’s make a list. What were your Top 3 best sexual experiences in 2013? Go into as little or as much detail as you would like.
I’m sitting giggling with delight as I write this. Just three? So much happened this year. All of my best experiences were charged with sexual energy, though not all of them included the act itself.
~ OTK play
~ Discovering The Orgasm Cascade™
~ Ducking out for phone play several times while at a club event

5. What are your hopes, dreams for 2014?
~ Significantly less yelling. In fact, since I’m dreaming, let’s just eliminate yelling completely.
~ A whole lot less anger
~ 75% less pain in those I love. (the bad kind, not the good kind)
~ Get LM on a stable track. I will settle for not having every fucking day be a battle.
~ Zero lying (Hey, a mother can dream.)

Bonus: In the coming year, let us all resolve to visit, read, and comment on at least two TMI Tuesday blog posts a week that are posted by our fellow TMI Tuesday bloggers. :-)
See my response to number 1.

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Play along and/or read more responses here.

Prompt Stress

Prompt: 10 things that really stress me out are…

  • Being among many people – even if I have met the majority of them prior to the occasion – even if all those I know are perfectly nice people
  • Rush hour traffic – the accident that caused my TBI was during morning rush hour.
  • Being a front seat passenger – stress in this situation is amplified if I don’t know the driver extremely well
  • Entertaining in my home – I strongly dislike anyone outside my immediate family unit in my personal space. When social obligations require others to be in my home it can stress me to the breaking point.
  • Being in environments that cause my routine to be disrupted – I am a creature of habit, nearly to the point of ritual. This is born of memory issues. If I do it (whatever “it” is) the same way every single time it is far less likely anything will be forgotten.
  • Not getting adequate sleep – This is two-fold: My already poor memory becomes significantly worse if I am not rested AND my thinking becomes fuzzy. I do not remember instructions that include multiple steps (usually more than two). I will often forget what I’m doing, even if it’s obvious. I have had the experience of holding my toothbrush in my hand and not remembering what to do with it. Disconcerting to say the least.
  • Grocery shopping – Too many people and the probability of forgetting things. Yes, even if they are on the list. Yes, even when I check the list. No, I don’t understand how it happens.
  • Any situation in which I will be judged for any reason.
  • Attending social functions alone – by necessity I have learned to cope with this and have improved a bit in the last year or so. I am still stressed as much as before. I’ve learned to hide it and function from a slightly less angsty place.
  • Being watched – In any situation other than a well rehearsed performance, I find this extremely difficult to tolerate. Any one, any where, any time. I’m not even comfortable watching myself. I spend as little time in front of the mirror as possible. The only exception to this is in the dressing room when the entire cast is shoulder-to-shoulder in front of the mirror. Somehow that makes it acceptable.

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Today I am grateful for: Living with two males who are smart enough to feel the “Leave me the fuck alone” vibe and who are also smart enough to do it.
Today’s funny moment: n/a
Sad moment: going over December’s schedule
Protocol: n/a
Water: 4 liters
Corset:24″ am, 23″pm
Hood: I worked with the newest hood on the overnight. This hood does not cause ear pain with ear buds (for white noise) as with the kissing hood. I woke after two hours and decided to see how well seated the ear buds were and what it would take to dislodge them. They were seated relatively well however, I do not believe they will stay in place during play. Several stout tugs on the wire had them out the base of the hood which was snugly laced and tied.